2021 || Review

hello lovelies! 

Can you believe it? 2021 is already come to an end... my how time flies. (oh and also, Happy New Years Eve everyone. *winks*)

I can't say this was the absolute best year of my life, cause it honestly wasn't. So many deaths happened this year and so much sadness. I lost a dear, dear cousin. Abigail Rose went up to Heaven in July. It has been so very hard. But then again I found some things to find joy in.

I don't know how to start this post exactly cause it feels like SO much happened. But I don't even know how to explain it all.... let's just get started and see where it goes.

In January I spent my New Years Eve at Damara's house. We stayed up until midnight of course. Ended up watching like soooooo many things to make the time fly by until midnight. *laughs* We ate food, laughed so hard we nearly peed, and let the air out of balloons so they flew around the house when the clock struck midnight. Good times, good times. I remember we wrote in our diaries, things we wanted to happen in the new year, dreams, hopes and prayers. I remember writing.... 

"I hope this new year is full of many adventures and good times." (my diary, December 31st 2020)

And oh how clueless I was to how much pain and heartache was ahead of me in that year... I learned a lot this year...

Still in January; I went on my very first (and only so far, lol) snow run up in the mountains! It was a lot of fun. My dad drove me to the little town store where I jumped into the truck with a few of my cousins and cousin Cody's girlfriend. After driving around for awhile and it started to get dark, one of the trucks broke down, so all ten of us piled into the other truck and headed back down the mountain. *laughs* It was an adventure for sure.
In Jan. was the first time Kate told me she loved me without me having to ask. *hearts*
I spent time with family. Had a sleepover with my cuzzies and we went exploring the woods... that was a ton of fun. *thinks... "we should really do that again"*

In February LaKaysha had a birthday... I don't remember what we did. Oh! We had a ton of snow in February and we got it around her birthday if I remember correctly.
The snow was a.m.a.z.i.n.g! It came down and down until we got almost four feet or there about! I was in loooooove. It was so fluffy and amazing. Then we got ice. A lot of ice. Trees were falling, rodes were slick, and it was making people lose power. Daminika wanted it to go away but I loved it. *slight laugh* The power went out and the house got really cold but I found it an adventure.
Me, the aunts(aka, Marissa and Marita for those of you who don't know who 'the aunts' are), my sisters, and Damara all went out to a sit down together for the first time since... the world went haywire. (I haven't talked much about covid and such on here cause I don't find it necessary) It felt sooo good.
Went to "the dry side" of the state to help out in cousin Kirsten's bridal shower! I gave her a painting of mine and when she was opening it I was shaking.(lol, yeah that random bit of information wasn't need but whatever.) It was just us girls at the hotel with the parents.. the bro was staying with Shiloh of course. *winks* 

In March I filmed my "Day In The Life" video... seems like that was yeeeeaaarsss ago. 
Hung out with family a lot. (cause that's what I love to do best)
Went to town with Damara and Danielle. I don't remember why. I think we just felt like getting out, lol.
Damara got her license so we met at Grandpa and Sue's and walked all around their property. It felt good to get out in the sunshine and feel "old" driving around. *laughs bc driving is normal now* Damara's dog died so I bought her flowers and donuts. *broken heart*
Auntie Brittany, way over in the other side of the US, venmoed me some money so that me and Damara could go out for coffee since I could drive with her then! So we went to Arrowhead of course. *winks*
I painted a bunch of paintings and brought them down to the beach for a family member to sell at her store!! (still can't get over how many paintings I've sold just at the beach and by word of mouth)
Went to town with Mother, Felicity and Kate. (you can see how much we get to town. Lol. going to town must be a great thing if I mention every time we went) We even went to the mall. *sunglasses* We like never go to the mall. xD We went out to eat and everything and then bought dresses for Kirsten's wedding.
I let my mom chop four inches off my hair! I still feel like she just did that but no, it's grown a ton since then. *laughs* 

In April me and my family hoped into the escape and headed down the road for Montana for Kirsten's wedding. I wasn't sure I wanted to go since we were going to miss Easter Sunday, but it actually was a really good trip even if it was short and for a wedding. I got to see Grandma and auntie Mary and her baby Reagan, and Tyrel. So all in all it was a good trip. Tyrel even offered to go buy me a sweatshirt just cause I said I wanted one. But the store was closed so I didn't get to take him up on the offer, lol.
Two of my friends and their families came down for their uncle's wedding so I got to hang out with them a bit! It was good to see my friends and have some good laughs.. (I still can't believe how I had no clue of the pain that was to come)
Me, Kylie, and Damara all went to town after church like adults... alone! I drove and we went to TacoBell for lunch. It was soooooo much fun and I can't wait to do it again sometime when Kylie visits again.
Felicity and Josiah, and LaKaysha and Daminika all flew away into the sky at the end of the month to go visit friends and family in NH. I missed Kate a lot but I lived. somehow.  

In May me and Chancy joined our Aunt and Uncle while they stayed at a rental in the other part of the state. All the "menfolk" (Jamen isn't a man but whatever) went turkey hunting and us womenfolk stayed at the house rental and swam in the awesome pool it had, played 'sardines', and just enjoyed our time. It was honestly a good trip. Me and Damara had late nights of eating junk in bed and watching our favorites, "Emergency!" and "Adam-12". And then we even got to see Kylie and her family so that was a bonus. <3
While Felicity and Josiah were gone Felicity told me and Damara we could stay a night at their place if we wanted. So me and Damara jumped at the opportunity. We ran to town (I also "owned" the girls car while they were gone so that was great. Though I did have to fill it up with gas but whatever, lol) we bought food and snacks for our sleepover of being "adults" and headed towards "home" but not before stopping to get coffee of course. *winks* We had a good time. Made supper, watched movies, ate junk, talked. What more could you ask for?
Everyone finally came home from NH and it was sooooo good to wrap Kate up in my arms again and give her all the hugs and kisses I could. <3
On Mother's Day me, Brother Bear, and my parents had a picnic with Grandma. <3 We picked up Red Robin and ate it at the cemetery next to Grandma and the aunts met us there and joined us. (Abi is now burred next to her Grandma and little brother. *broken heart* 
Very last minute us girls (me and L&D) decided to go to our Memorial Church Campout. It was fun even though we just hung out with Auntie A. <3

In June summer weather started coming and we set up our pool. I spent the night at Damara's and we enjoyed the pool and just had a good time. (we really need to have a sleepover again. feels like we haven't had one since Abi..)
Life kept on going. I kept feeling down and not really knowing why. I remember crying a lot. 
Lottie had her puppies and that brought joy to my heart. Cute little wiggly puppies to love and to hold. Lottie did such a good job at mothering and those puppies turned out to be the cutest and sweetest little things. <3 
Had a sleepover at Danielle's with Damara. We went to the park and had a picnic and I drove Danielle's car around just cause I hadn't driven it. 
Us girls went on a quite trip to Tri-Cities with Sue our step-grandma. It was just one night but it was very relaxing and I enjoyed it. 
Made a trip to the beach and ate good food.

In July my whole world felt as though it fell apart... Abi suddenly was gone and I was sitting in bed with tears streaming silently down my face. I still think about that morning and how I felt, what I thought and all the was going through me. So many emotions. Shock, sadness, joy, heartache... I crawled out of bed and stood awhile in the hall, listening to Mother tell auntie Mindy. I flew into the living room crying and curled up onto my dad and cried. I still can't believe she's gone and the pain still hurts more than ever. But I can find joy and peace in knowing she's forever healed and never more will be in pain and suffering. 
My mom and dad left to Clarissa and Joey's and offered for me to go with. I said no. I was hurting too much and I didn't want to feel anymore pain. They left and I crawled back in bed where I cried and wrote in my diary. 
I finally wanted to go to Clarissa and Joey's so my dad came and picked me up. I still can remember everything like it happened just yesterday. The pain, emptiness, tears, seeing Abi's empty chair and trying to fully grasp that she was never coming back. (I can still find myself shocked to really believe that she's gone) 
That month, all in all wasn't the greatest. I tried staying strong but it was hard. I broke down one night and sobbed the hardest I had sobbed in my life for two hours... 
I tried going on with my life and even though I was in so much pain, God was forever by my side. He never left me and He's still here with me. 
(oh, the fourth happened in July didn't it? that was actually a good day. I just forget it happened)

August rolled around and I tried finding joy in the fact that my birthday was coming up. But everyone was going to be gone at cousin Cody's wedding, and it was going to be just me and my parents home on my birthday. (so I thought) 
Daminika offered to drive me down to the beach to drop off more paintings and let me take Danielle and Damara along. I was needing the time with my friends and sisters and just the time to relax and unwind. <3 
I busied myself with training the puppies and getting them ready to sell, trying not to think of how sad it would be to say goodbye to my little buddies that got me through a many a sad day. <3 
We got very hot weather and everything turned brown and forest fires happened. (but thankfully none too close to home)
Me and Damara crammed our annual campout into this month. It was last minute but we were able to get it done and I'm so glad we were able to. We talked late into the night, shed a few tears, grew closer, and just enjoyed our time together. The next day we even were brave and rode our bikes to the store. *sweaty face* Something neither of us had done before and it was really fun, with only slight scariness, lol.
The one month mark of Abi's death rolled around and I cried some more. My mom took me to town and we bought some flowers and went to visit Abi. I almost didn't want to go but in the end I'm glad I went. (I haven't been back since though) It was hard to look at that grave, fresh dirt and dead flowers (from the heat) sitting over. We took a couple pictures and I cried some more.
Seen a lot of Clarissa and Joey and spent time with them. <3
The opportunity came for me to go riding and I jumped at the idea. It was a cooler day than all the rest we had been having and that day was really really good for me. I can't tell you how much riding relaxed me. I was able to finally, after so long it felt, to feel happy again. The momentum of the horse beneath me as we cantered around, the wind blowing my braids back, and feeling all the stress and sadness slowly melt away, if only for awhile. *happy sigh* I need to go riding again.
My siblings were all leaving before my birthday so I opened all my gifts from them on a family night. I loved everything I got. <3
Then, like two days before everyone was about to leave, the opportunity came for me and my parents to go to Cody's wedding. And we did. Someone offered to help pay our way and I still can't believe I wasn't even originally going to go. But then I did and I met Brynna. The sweetest girl ever. *hearts*
We bused ourselves with getting ready and three days later at three in the morning we were hitting the road, South Dakota bound.
I spent my seventeenth birthday visiting all of Laura's sites with my sisters, parents, and Damara. It was a good day that ended at a lake with a bunch of girls for Shayne's (Cody's now wife) last night out. I had a lovely time in SD and the trip back was a lot of fun too. Cause I had Damara with me. *winks* We made many memories that trip. <3
I still marvel at how me and Brynna got to meeting one another. The night before we were going to leave, Kylie told me how Brynna read LaKaysha's book. So, I called out her name and waved her over (I still can't believe I did that 'cause I don't normally just start talking to strangers) and asked how she liked LaKaysha's book. Then I don't know what happened. The next thing I knew we were sitting down talking and not just about any everyday things. She shared with me how she had just recently lost a loved one and I shared that I had the same happen to me. And then, I still don't know how it happened, we were hugging and saying goodbye like we were friends and last minute decided to exchange numbers. And, as you would say, the rest is history. *winks*
We got home on Chancy's twentieth birthday and the kids (him and my sisters) arrived a little later. Kate was thrilled to have us all home and we enjoyed our time being together with Felicity and Josiah, sharing everything that happened on our trips. Oh and Chancy opened a few gifts from ppl. 

September came and I kept going on, one day at a time. Finding joy in the small things around me. Kate's smiles and kisses, the fact that a new baby was on it's way, and many many more. 
We started gathering our winter wood supply.
I had times of crying and missing Abi.
I started my last year of school. Always a tough day for me because it just reminds me that I'm alone doing school and all my siblings moved on without me. (but don't worry I'm good now. Graduation just can't come fast enough, xD)
Me and LaKaysha and Daminika went and picked prunes from a guy they clean for. They were good prunes and reminded me of the ones Grandpa had before they moved.
Me and Damara went to town after church one Sunday. Just because we both needed to get out and do something together. We ate at church but left and went to get coffee and just have fun in town afterwards. It was a really fun day.
I went on drives alone and bought myself coffee. 'cause as I told Brynna we say, "it's comfort coffee". *winks* We all know we need our comfort coffee.
Damara turned seventeen so I took her out to eat and to town. That was a ton of fun. We had to act like adults and act like we knew what we were doing when we went out to eat. *laughs*
Lived life. Moment by moment. Even though there were hard times and days, I tried to go through each day with a smile. 

October came and we went to The Patch as a family minus Chancy. He was on a stayaway and it was depressing without him around for a week, lol. Kate loved all the pumpkins and all in all it was a good day. Plus Brother Bear got home on that day so that was great. *laughs* 
Then one day "October 11th to be exact" Chancy got Brynna's number from Daminika and they started talking. *winks* And they've been talking ever since. *another wink* Life's been a little different since then. Brother Bear's been cuter and sweeter than ever now that he has a girlfriend. *laughs* But it's true. <3 Also, him and Brynna are adorable, can we just get that clear? xD 
The boys were going duck hunting in SD so us girls wanted to join them so we could visit our new friend. (plus by the time they were leaving the bro had a new reason for going). And once again, I originally wasn't going to go. But Brynna begged and begged me and I realized there was always savings that could help pay my way. So my parents agreed and I'm so happy I was able to go. 
Kylie and Damara were going to go too but then... a friend passed away and Kylie's family really knew him and his wife and kids. So she stayed behind and Damara stayed behind too. I didn't know him and so I decided to still go. It was sad that Damara and Kylie weren't able to go and I felt bad "leaving them behind" but all in all that was still a good trip. 
I met Brynna's sisters that trip and we quickly became good friends. (to the point where I was riding piggyback on Molly through Walmart, lol. or having them on each side of me "dragging" me through Walmart) 
Goodbye was hard. Way harder than I had thought. We hugged and cried and hugged and cried some more. But we made so many wonderful memories and I'm so thankful I was able to make it. Plus we rode with Gabrien and Shiloh and those two boys are the best. *laughs* We call them our brothers. xD (they're our cousins for those of you who don't know) 
We got home and it was SO BEAUTIFUL. Fall had come and leaves were everywhere in bright colors and the trees were tall and green and the hills in the distance. *eagle screeches in the background and I dramatically look out at my hills* xD (okay that was a random bit of dramaticness but whatever)   
Me and Damara went out for a coffee date and I told her all about my adventures of SD. <3 
We had beautiful weather and me, Danielle and Damara went to town and started our Christmas shopping. That was a fun day. Walking 'old town' and getting coffee, talking. Good times. 

November rolled in before I knew it and I started my Christmas shopping more frequently. Christmas bazaars happened and we (me, my mom and all my sisters) met my aunts and their girls in town and we all enjoyed the bazaars together. Clarissa came with her girls. (minus Abi cause she's in Heaven now) It was good to see them and watch them enjoy the bazaar. 
Me and Damara decided it would be fun to dress up for a costume party so we had LaKaysha help us with our costumes. I must say she did a good job. 
Kate turned two! That girl is growing up so fast it's insane. She can say absolutely anything that pops into her head and sings all the time. 
Me and Damara spontaneously went to McDonald's for supper and had quite the adventure. *laughs* In the end we got a bunch of food free. xD But hey, we had a good laugh and made some memories. 
I started getting eager for Christmas... a relative and dear friend of my mom's got covid and was expected not to make it. She had damaged lungs from having phenomena as a kid and it wasn't looking good. I was tired of feeling sad and the pain. I wanted it all to go away. So many nights did I pray. But I prayed that God would do His will.
Thanksgiving happened. We all went to Grandpa and Sue's and spent time with family. We decorated for Christmas the day after.
God's will was to take my mom's friend Home. Susie left this world and was forever healed. My heart broke when I woke up and knew what had happened by the sound of my mom's crying. It felt like a nightmare that was playing over. It was almost just like when I woke and found that Abi had gone up to Heaven. I didn't know Susie all that well, but I did know her to a degree. Seeing my mom grieve was\is hard. So very hard. But God continues to lift us up when we fall and gives us Hope for tomorrow. He knows all and He has a mighty plan. 

December came in and I wanted so badly for Christmas to hurry along. And I think part of that was because everyone's so happy on Christmas so I just wanted it. 
We went on, day by day. I tried to make sure I was smiling and happy for everyone. It felt like there was so much fear and sadness. But I'm doing better. We're all doing better. <3 
I found joy in the cozy Christmas decorations we had in our house. Seeing the lights and taking pictures of all the pretty things. 
I felt like I needed to get out so one day I just jumped in the car and drove to Arrowhead. I needed my comfort coffee again. 
Brother Bear took a lot of selfies with me and warmed my heart many a times. Held me while I cried and was there for me when I needed him. (even though he has a girlfriend he can still find time for his favorite baby sister) 
My parents and Chancy left for the weekend to go to Susie's funeral. Us girls stayed behind in case Felicity went into labor. But we didn't feel like being alone and sad so we had the aunts overnight and we had TacoBell for supper, watched Christmas movies, played darts, and did a massage train. (oh, and I threw a rib out throwing darts. *hides face*) The next day we all got pretty and headed over to the aunts house and we had a cozy Christmas party. Good food, lots of laughter (I think that's how we all deal with stress) and I even got a candy cane from firefighters. *winks* more about that in my December photo dump. 
The day after Susie's funeral the parents and Brother Bear got home and we met them at the Christmas tree farm. We got our tree and decorated it. (I did a video HERE) 
Baked a lot of Christmas goodies with Kate and started to enjoy the Christmas season the best I could. 
Me and Damara went Christmas shopping again and had a good time. I even told the lady at the bookstore about LaKaysha's book. *laughs*
Me and Damara wrapped Christmas presents for Grandpa for the.... however many years in a row. *laughs* 
Gideon Karl was born into this world! Just a cutie and joy to be around. I love him sooooo much!! Kate is so proud and absolutely loves her "little buddy" 
Christmas happened! Oh and what a happy Christmas it was! I have a post I'm working on about it so I won't say anything more. *winks* 
And then the day after Christmas we got a buuuunch of snow! We went to church and it was quite romantic I must say. I even got a really cute picture with Damara(I think it's my favorite picture of us together) It's still out there; the temps dropped and now so it's all icy and crunchy to walk on. But still so pretty!! (I love snow, lol) 

And now, here we are, ending this crazy year. So many, so many, emotions were in this year. It's unexplainable. 

I'm eager to start this new year and be done with 2021. But even though the year changes it doesn't make so that everything's gonna be fine. But I know that. And you know what? I'm not scared of what this new year could bring. I'm eager to see what God has in store for 2022. What He has planned in my life. After all, I'll be graduating, turning eighteen and becoming an adult. Craaaaazy. *laughs* 

So, goodbye 2021. I wish I could say you've been good to me, but you weren't. It was a crazy emotional roller coaster ride and I'm glad to be off. Who knows what the new year will bring, but at least I'm ready and I know God is there beside me through it all. <3 

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