The Elegant Cowgirl: Missing Grandma... 💔

hello there...

Today would be my Grandma's birthday. She would be 65. Just 65. She was taken from us all at a very young age and most of her grandchildren never got to meet her. I'm so very thankful that I was able to have met her, even though she was always sick.

I miss my Grandma. I didn't know her and that has always bothered me. To me, she is just a small, foggy memory. A picture in a frame and a face in the home videos.

I didn't know her.

I knew I would struggle with not knowing her, but the older I get, the more I feel the emptiness in my heart. All of my siblings knew her. All of them. And only I didn't. I don't know what she smelled like, or what her voice sounded like, or how she hugged. What her smile looked like, or how she acted. All I have is what I was told. I was told she was a wonderful woman who clearly loved our Lord and had a way with animals. <3

I can lay in bed at nights and cry myself to sleep, asking God, "Why? Why did you have to take her away? I could've learned so much from her." My pain aches in my heart and I long to have known her.

But our Lord had other plans. Other things in store. God called my dear Grandma home on September 7th, 2007. I was only three. I had just turned three a couple weeks before.
I remember that birthday a little. The false happiness everyone tried to have for me, and I remember getting a My Little Pony baby. I remember going to the hospital and opening a gift at the foot of the bed, with Grandpa, all red eyed and sad, watching me with a small smile on his face. I don't remember if Grandma was even awake, but I do remember everyone telling me, "Show Grandma." It was a little Cabbage Patch doll, and I still have it.
I remember feeling sad, and upset but not really knowing why.

In all honesty I don't remember much about when Grandma died... I remember people crying, and tears being wiped away. I remember Mommy asking me for a tissue and wondering what it was, that made everyone so sad. I couldn't understand it. I knew Grandma was never going to be there again, but I couldn't understand why everyone was so sad. Maybe it was that little child-like faith I had. I knew she was in heaven so what was there to cry about? But I know now, why there were so many tears.

I've often pondered why God had to take her home with Him so soon, and so young, but... It was just her time. <3

I hear so many stories told, of her kind and loving nature and the way animals took to her. I watch so many home videos and listen to her voice, trying hard to burn it into my mind so it'll be there forever. But truth be told, it doesn't stay and I have no idea what her voice sounded like. 😔

I remember being little and in all my memories Grandma was always sick. It was just the way life was. Grandma was sick and we all, and I mean the entire extended family, spent every waking moment in that wonderful blue house. <3
My memories start when Grandma is dying and that's all I know. She was a stranger to me, even then. I would hug her because Mommy said to, but I didn't know her and in all honesty, I was afraid. I don't know why, but I didn't want to hug her when Mommy said.
And oh, how I wish I hadn't been afraid! I wish I would've dove into her arms and squeezed her tight, and told her how much I loved her. <3 I don't even remember ever telling Grandma that I loved her and that breaks my heart...

The only memory I have of Grandma "healthy" is foggy and small but I've played it over and over in my mind until I can make it clear and think that maybe that was actually what happened. But for all I know I've mixed things up in my mind and changed the story. But this is what I "remember"...

Me and Chancy were sitting at the counter, leaning on the blue countertops and whispering that we wanted some ice cream. (Grandpa and Grandma always had ice cream in their freezer.) It was time to leave and my mom was sitting at the table talking to Grandma, where she stood by the counter next to us. Chancy asked if we could have some ice cream and mom shook her head saying we'd be leaving soon.
Grandma turned to my mom and said, "For pete's sake Elisa, let them have ice cream." And so we did.
We ran down the hall, into the living (or family) room and and out the door into the cold garage. (I can remember the smell of the garage and it's very dear to me.)
I chose an ice cream cone with peanuts on top and ran back inside where I chomped happily on that ice cream cone. And I actually do remember what that tasted like...

So, I know God called Grandma home for a reason and it was all a part of His plan. But sometimes it can be hard and I try to take comfort in the little memories I have. After all, half of my cousins never even existed when Grandma was alive.

A N Y W A Y S

Today is the day my dear Grandma would be 65 years old. I often wonder what she would think, living here today. So much has changed since she left this world.
I'm just so very thankful for the little memory I do have. Thankful to have a small, and very tiny, piece of her in my life. So many of my cousins didn't know her. Weren't even born.

So, I try to look on the bright side, and be thankful for the little I had. <3 It sure can be hard at times, but God is forever by my side. <3