The Elegant Cowgirl: Struggles || My Grandpa Had a Stroke

Friday, August 9, 2019

Struggles || My Grandpa Had a Stroke

Like the title says, my Grandpa had a stroke. It happened sometime ago, and I never really talked about it on my blog. But, I felt like doing this post just because I guess.

The doctors said it was a super bad stroke and he was doing great considering the stroke. So, I took this as he was doing pretty good I guess. I think deep down inside I really knew it was pretty bad. My grandparents (on my dad's side) live 3,000 miles away from us, so I never really get to see them.
It wasn't until a few days ago, that it really hit me. My mom told us that he didn't remember being a truck driver anymore. (he had trucked for Walmart for like 20 years) I was just like, "oh yeah, that's sad." But the look on my dad's face when he told us about it almost killed me. He looked so sad. Before all this my Grandpa had been suffering from depression, and that really hurt too. But now this is different.
Then, the other night I woke up sobbing in bed from a dream. It was so real, I hated it. I was with my mom and we went to my grandparents house to visit them. I went into my grandpa's room to say hi, since he hadn't seen me in a long time, and expected to have him grinning and ready to give me a hug. Well, I was sure surprised. He turned away from me and told me to go away, that he didn't know me and to leave. I was heartbroken. I remember I fell to my knees on the floor and sobbed. The emptiness I felt in my heart was terrible. I woke up with tears streaming down my face, with a horrible empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was shaking and wanted to just curl up and bawl some more.
It made me afraid. What if it really did happen? What if I went to him and tried to hug him and he didn't know me? What then? I wouldn't be able to stand it.
It's been super hard and I would appreciate all your prayers. Especially for my dad. I can tell it hurts him too even though he doesn't let on. The sadness I see in his eyes when he talks about Grandpa is horrible. Through my whole life my dad would, lots of times, talk to my grandparents on the phone when he got home from work, and I would grin and tell him to tell them hi. But now, when he says he talked to Grandpa his eyes turn kinda foggy, and fill with sadness. I don't know if anyone else sees it, but I do. I notice it ever time. It breaks my heart.
I keep praying for a miracle, but nothing seems to be happening. It's hard, and I'm hoping and praying things get better. Life's been a little crazy for awhile.